Plastic Words, Genuine Actions

[[Ok, ladies and gents, it has been a most eventful evening, but I will now proceed to take a snack break to sustain my bodily needs with delicious food before continuing to etch words onto the cyberrocks here.

Will it be more asks? Will it be a touching drabble? Will it be more of Mokou’s escapades? Perhaps a couple of replies?

That is a mystery.]]


ralisuzima said: This is something I’ve seen only in my dreams. Thank you, Dreamer.

"Always a pleasure to spin a tale of memories for someone that will apprecia—"

"Don’t encourage her."

"Hey Mokou!" *Said the happy ice fairy, waving one hand and holding a baseball bat in the other.* "I’m here to bust both yer caps open till yah pay up!"

"Sticks of a most fiddly variety! It’s the sharks! You’ll never catch me alive (heh) and I refuse to pay for the mistakes of that fetid brainspawn, y’hear me!”

"Neveeeeeer!"

You could always visit the Oni down below for a rowdy time.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeell…"

Oh boy.

"See, I thought that would be a good idea. Old Hell, in its majority, was kind of in a high watch regardin’ me, after Utsuho and I got into that little contest of ours and we almost blew up the Palace of Earthly Spirits. And by "almost" I mean it didn’t blow up ‘cause we melted it. However, this one big gal, and I mean big like an Outside World bulldozer, and there’s no doubt she ate three o’ those for breakfast every mornin’, name of Hoshiguma, said she liked my guts. Apparently she also heard how I almost made an Infinity Bomb with Suika’s gourd by the Hakurei Shrine, and now this. She invited me a drink."

"Now, things were goin’ mighty fine ‘till this point, but then this Oni gal noticed somethin’: That I wasn’t gettin’ drunk. See, the Hourai Elixir breaks up alcohol almost instantly, so it is pretty much impossible for me to get drunk, I just enjoy the taste of sake. So Hoshiguma notices and she’s like a big eyed puppy askin’ me how did I do that, ‘cause by now I should be dead of alcohol poisonin’, or at least alcoholic coma, and I tell her I can down any drink she has for me ‘cause I’m fiercely magnanimous like that. She took that as a challenge.

"S-so, pbbbwahaha, so she brings out these bottles from like under a shelf, the label is faded and I swear to yer deity of choice they smell of the Asuka era, those bottles had to be older than me, by Izanagi’s nose hair, so she’s like "Ok, Fujiwara, you and me, let’s go", and damn right I ain’t gonna pass up on the chance to drink sake that good. I say "yeah, sure" ‘cause I have the Elixir in me, yeah? That damn thing was so strong that it overpowered the Elixir’s speed in breakin’ apart the alcohol.

"I get shitfaced, is what I am tryin’ to say, the first time in ever, and boy am I a rowdy drunk, apparently. She was like, "Oi, Fujiwara, yer lookin’ tipsy!" and I am like "yer sayin’ yer better than me at drinkin’!?" and then we start crackin’ up some jokes, arms around the other, buttin’ heads and banterin’… Until we have the genius idea of havin’ a friendly fight in the midst of it. Turns out, my line of thought seems pretty aligned with that of Oni: I hate lies, love booze and adore a good tussle. Well, this tussle was so good, we demolished three districts of Old Hell and were chased by a horde of angry Oni… Then Hoshiguma and I beat them up, too. When I came to my senses, we were hidin’ somewhere near the Hakurei Shrine, in clothes I didn’t recognize, reekin’ of alcohol. I made a friend but I also made a lifelong ban from that place, bwahaha."

nitoricoindustries:

"Fucking my business? Y’know, I’d heard the phrase ‘family of companies’, but I never thought this was how you’d go about making one."

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"Yeah! It’s a pretty common practice, actually. It starts with all your dreams bein’ violated like this is a 70s blaxploitation film, and it only gets worse from there. No amount of side projects, name changes or appearance changes, magical or surgery-assisted, helps you. It’s a really fun game, as fun as you could describe "the story of a dead mouse that didn’t go on an adventure" as fun for a children’s storybook idea."

*A note was attached to Mokou's front door* "To owner of this house, the fairy registered to this address, Morno, has not paid her fairy tax in over three years. as such you the owner of this house, are now banned from this property until further notice. you may not step foot, fly, tunnel near, coming in from a different dimension ect. near the home If you wish to become unbanned, you the owner or the fairy Morno must come down to the fairy office and pay the fairy tax. With love, the Fairy IRS"
Anonymous

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"…"

                                                             —

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"Mooornoooooooo~! Oh, Mornoooo! Where are you?" Mokou’s disgustingly plastic voice could be heard across the scrapyard, the sound of a massive piece of steel dragging across the floor, scraping all terrain with the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard, being the only sound the fugitive abomination of a fairy could hear. "Morno, oh darlin’, my Morno, where are you? It’s no use hidin’, your fear is already on the tip of my tongue~!"

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"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod… I didn’t know I had to pay taxes! H-how was I supposed to know!? I-I’m sorry! I honestly had no idea!" yelled Morno back from her hiding place, crying under a pile of unanswered asks in the inbox. "P-please, forgive me!"

Suddenly, the cacophonous raking sound ceased.

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"Fufu… You silly… Do you think that just because we are in a world of capriciousness and fantasy… Just because we are inside the Great Hakurei Barrier…"

Suddenly, two hands appeared from under the ground below Morno, grabbing her with a deadly grip that promised only agony unknown to our wildest nightmares.

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"Did you think that just because we are in Gensokyo, any of us knows respite from taxes? From the IRS?!"

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"̐͌͆̈̐̂̌͊҉҉͇̹̟̱̙̮̰͖͇͞E̱̊̓̾̇ͮ̀ͭͦh͓͕̻̙̀͌͋͌ͨͣ͋̇͝!̴̨̼̤̲͙̮̳̹͑̇͢?̵̘̼̜̪͈̑̆͆̔̇̂ͯ͜ ̜̬̱̦͇̆̀͡ͅM̖͔̠͉̟̰̯͆̑̍̇͠o̅̂̈̉ͯ̑̓͘͏̘͉̯͇̖̬̰̥r͕̖͈͕̜̻ͧͨ́n̪̞͈͍̫ͮ̓̍ͬ̀̃̄o͐ͬ̄͡͏͕!͙̼̘͕̲̪̮ͫ̎ͭ̀ͬ͟?͔͖̮͉̓ͪͦ̊́͐̕͞ͅ"̳̤͚̟ͫͬ͠͡

"aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

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nitoricoindustries:

"Aww, c’mon. They’ll grow back. Besides, if you can think of a better way to win a loyal customer than by giving her a rusty shovel taken from a random pile of shit, I’d like to hear it."

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"You can start by not makin’ an enemy who will fuck your business for a literal eternity, or at least until your grave."

ralisuzima said: Mokou gets audited and the Enma’s people repossess the house.

"By Susano’o, that would be a shame…"

"…If I couldn’t just make another one with these hands! Oooooh!"

Mokou then hi-fives herself, jumps on Tewi and kickflips her, flying with a sweet Hourai skateboard into the stratosphere, propelled by her sheer smugness, the whistling sound of her speed almost sounding like a very high pitched "neeeeeeeeeeeeeerd!"

nitoricoindustries:

"Okay, I’m off to the village. I’ve got the little squeeze horns to sell to the kids, some other nicknacks to make some coin selling to adults, and a rusty shovel taken from a dung heap somewhere to donate to the teacher. I think that’s everything."

Kappatalism ho!

"Oi, evisceration is a cool party trick and all, but don’t enable it if it involves me, yeah? I may not really need them, but I like my organs inside my body, thank you very much."

So, I've read your stories of you getting banned from various places (the Hakurei Shrine, Youkai Mountain, and the Scarlet Devil Mansion, among other places), and that brought up the question of, "Where haven't you gotten banned from yet?"
Anonymous

"…"

"My house."

"…"

"What? Ok ok, fine, let me think… Senkai… Stole Futo’s boat… Hakugyokurou… Rode Futo’s stolen boat with Cirno down their stairs and accidentally broke every single non-ghost bone on Youmu by rammin’ into her… Myouren Temple… Played volleyball with the Jeweled Pagoda… Forest of Magic… Stole some Kamikaze Dolls and leveled Marisa’s house… Misty Lake… Slapped Daiyousei with Wakasagihime…"

"…"

"My house."